Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Red Carpet Comebacks, Camo, and Front of the Line Ain't Goin' Nowhere

My Aunt Joy used to say that sometimes we wait too damn long to talk to friends.  The more time passes, it becomes awkward, and then eventually embarrassing to pick up the damn phone and just say hi.  

That's comparable to this blog and me.  So in this moment, we chose to either discuss it while you awkwardly nod your head in false understanding, or we just breeze through it like the absence never happened while I drink a Cape Cod.

*rattles glass tumbler*

So I'm on a kick of noticing how terrible people are at social events.  

That's not a new hobby, but lately I'm becoming about as vocal as a nearly deaf Southern woman who sees a barefoot baby in Walmart mid-November (so basically I'm becoming my mom).  Sometimes though, I'm able to sit on my tongue for the sake of not slapping the shit out of someone and going to jail.  Howevercomma I will evil eye the hell out of you and your special snowflake so you'll know.  Oh, you'll know.  And every annoying selfish asshole has several offspring.  It's like they multiply every time their inconvenienced.  I'm currently seeking funding to put scientific research behind that statement.

If you learn nothing from me ever in your life, please take away this:   When someone is speaking, shut the fuck up.  I don't care if you zone out.  I don't care if you become so engrossed in what the speaker is saying, you almost shit your pants.  JUST show some respect and shut the fuck up.  AND  teach your kids to shut the fuck up.  AND if they can't, remove them from the room.

If you see one of my children be so disrespectful, pop them in the back of the head.  

Recently, I attended a graduation where Mossy Oak was apparently the dress code, but I didn't get the small card in my invitation indicating such.   It was a recipe of camo, flip flops, gum smacking, and ego.  Impatience was sprinkled throughout the place like a busy New York street, but it was graduation and the aisles filtering the crowds were about four people wide (I'm bad at measurements- suck it).   Those who weren't shoving, were dry humping the back of Granny's dress, stepping all over the back of her orthopedic shoes.  Everyone is going as fast as the person in front of them.  I'm fairly sure this is how a Black Friday fucking stampede starts.  SETTLE.  One guy actually said, "Excuse me, I need to get to the front."  Well, no shit.  You and every motherfucker in here.  I don't have to meet his mama to know he was told he was really special.  I have a combat vet who has a death grip on my hand (which is probably the only thing keeping him from killing 10 people) and two Littles fist fighting over who ate the last cracker back in the car.  I give two shits about the front, Sir, but I'm silently wishing you accidentally shove this Marine-- but simultaneously praying you don't.  

I digress.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  Public speaking.

I get that the moon and stars follow some of you and your angel offspring.  The rest of us are just blessed to live in your world, but imagine a world (call me crazy) where you and your lovebugs aren't the center of the universe.  In this world, we all listen when someone is at a podium speaking to an auditorium full of people.  LIKE we actually don't talk through the speech.  GASP and we make our children hush.  When I was a kid, we called them frownie faces.  My mom had long nails, and if you talked during a sermon, speech, performance, or just any general time it would be considered rude to talk--- she'd dig those luxurious nails into the back of your neck, lean in, and whisper something about going to the bathroom.  Not to potty.  Trust.  

Speaking in front of a large group of people is not easy.  I don't know how many of you have done it, but it's intimidating.  I can only imagine if 150 members of the audience were ALL talking through it.  Oh, and if you were only 18 years old.  Yeah.  When I was 18, I would have undoubtedly snatched the mic off the podium to call some bitches out, but this Valedictorian handled the rudeness with grace.  Good for her.      

So basically, let's just all remember crowds, long speeches, and parking lots suck.  If you don't have what it takes to come out and be human like the rest of us and JUST DEAL WITH IT--- just stay home.  I'm sure 40 members of your family recorded it.  

Life is bigger than us.  In that graduation, I watched a physically disabled young woman walk across the stage with help from two teachers to receive her diploma.  If that doesn't move you to be a better person for AT LEAST 30 minutes afterwards, then you're a douche. 

Goodnight, Y'all. 

*footnote:  I am aware AND should never begin a sentence, but it does here when it's said with authority.  AND that's just that.  

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